For the last 6 years.. I've felt I needed a connection to someone to functionally and coherently live. One of my friendships has served as an umbilical cord essentially. The most relentless, mentally-abusive, damaging, inconsiderable, unreliable, foul, cynical, deceitful, dismantling, crippling, poisonous (ect)person was the same person closest to my heart; the most influential person in my life. What's stupid is that she'll even admit to these adjectives (and if she doesn't she's a liar--which is also one of her characteristics). What's fucking more stupid is that I put up with it lowering my self-respect. What I think it frankly the dumbest shit ever is that she knows exactly what the fuck it is. She knows her reputation proceeds her and all the friends she doesn't have. She knows how far removed she is from everyone and everything, ever, and with all this being said, she'd be willing to test and disintegrate our friendship-as close as I was, doing anything for her benefit. I've tried to remove myself from her 20 times before and have continuously failed because "I was her best friend. She was my best friend. That's how it was supposed to be". It's quite absurd on my behalf to hold so much value into a friendship so pathetic. I'm a fucking awesome friend and I strive to be. I'll do anything capable to be. There is absolute no reason why I've been eating the amounts of shit I have all this time and pretending I don't taste it. I have reached my peak and I have literally dreamt about what this day would be like.
Spit out of life's vagina, I am born again, motherfuckers. Smacked on my ass, a fresh breath of air, I see things differently. I feel things differently. I feel fantastic, finally strong enough to separate myself from something so intoxicating for me. I don't care that I'll probably never meet another person who knows, understands, and can read me more vividly than her. It's not worth it. I don't agree with her mind, heart, and soul and I don't want to be near it anymore.
;) your going through what i went through last year ...my and my bestfriend were close i knew this dude ever since were in diapers we have been negihbors for 18 years...but i found out due was talking shit about me to all his other friends also he would try to be little me in front of everybody and found out he stole from a couple times too i let it slide due to fact that i knew him my whole life but i figured out time doesnt mean quality ....if the friendship means taking more hits then hugs (not literally) than its not worth...
ReplyDeletewell that sounds unfortunate and I'm glad you did what you thought was necessary, but no, we did not go through the same thing. no one has.
ReplyDeleteI know what you're going through. I had a friend all throughout high school that I would have done anything for, did do anything for. I did my best to be there for this girl even when she wasn't there for me because friendship isn't about bitterness and holding grudges, but continually cherishing the link you guys share and being there for each other. She dated this girl throughout high school that treated her like straight shit and I hated to see her put herself in such a horrible situation. So it wouldn't come as a surprise when they'd break up that I would be mad at her for days for getting back with that girl. After high school, I got a phone call from her one night with her hysterical, crying about how her girlfriend had beaten her. So my girlfriend and I wasted no time rushing over there and trying to take her back to my house. Her girlfriend acted crazy and attacked my girlfriend, getting her ass handed back to her by my girlfriend in the end. My ex "best friend" ended up staying there with her girlfriend after what had happened. A month later, my girlfriend was arrested for assault because my "best friend" lied on the police report saying that she hadn't talked to me in days and my girlfriend just up and decided to go whoop ass and leave. Anyways, got side tracked lol. I haven't talked to that girl in almost 3 years now. I was always a good friend to her and she walked all over me. And even though you didn't go through what I did, I know how it feel to be "friends" with someone and have yourself put more effort into everything than that person ever has and to feel at the end of the day that you were just stomped all over. I hope things get better for you. Sorry for the long story. Hope things get better for you.
ReplyDeleteI probably visit this later and add more commentary, but I stopped reading at the second sentence. Hey, what's up. You don't know what I've been through. You don't know how intensely our minds work. I'm not saying your bond with whomever (or anyones bond with whomever) wasn't capable of being as complex as ours (I'm kind of saying that), but really, we were in a league of our own.
ReplyDeleteIf this is the first person who commented-- Accept that, will yuh? thanks.
I can be very fixated; I don't mean to be so sharp. I just don't like comparing any of my friendships, especially that one-they're all exceptional. And I feel strongly about that.
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