10:42pm.. hear me whine

How do I explain?

I've been annoyed with myself lately.. and easily annoyed with the people around me. I'm annoyed with myself for many reasons-all of them making me feel like I'm in 6th grade again.

I went to this party last weekend and made myself look like a complete and total bitch in front of a fair amount of people. People I potentially wanted to be friends with too, perhaps. Long story short, this dude spilled my drink on his shoes/floor and I openly stated how he set himself up for that. It really wasn't that bad but it came off super rude. People already assume I'm really stuck up and I don't think so at all, so it bothers me that somebody might be like 'yeah, I've seen her around; that girls a cunt'. In addition to that night, I was really anti-social, or more so than I usually am. Met some intriguing folks that I wish I would've spoke to more. I'm still very interested in making more friends, preferably white, fuck it... which leads me to one and two of why I feel like I'm in middle school.
1)How bothered/worried I am about what people think of me. Not like I want to seem cool, just that I'm not some stick-in-the-ass girl.
2)My desire for friendships and lack there of. Plus I'm living with my best friend and that's been on and off Shit. It gets to be pretty uncomfortable in my own house.

Getting dressed in the morning. It either takes me a fast 10 minutes or a solid two hours. Last week, I missed a class because I couldn't decide what to wear. ridiculous. And sometimes, today for instance, I'll change multiple times for what the fuck ever. With my fashion courses, I feel an unwanted obligation to dress as trendy as possible so I don't look like I'm some random fuck. I try to pretend like I don't care, but I do. I actually take a lot of things in consideration when I decide what to wear like...the weather, how crowded it will be that day, whom might I see, what did I wear last time, ect.. which bleeds into how my hair is and how it's so short/damaged, how I don't like my body image or feet. Lately, I've been seeing these absolute stunning girls and it makes me think of how I look. I know that's real weak of me, I need to listen to some Lady Gaga songs or something.. I'm not about to cut myself, I'm just sayin
3)The amount of fucks given about what I wear each day needs to be significantly reduced. I like to exemplify my style but bottom line is I have class for 1-3 hours..No ones worried about what I'm wearing that much.
4)I'm not comfortable with my body. I still haven't let go of my shapeless 118 image in 2007/2008, it would still match my swag more. That was before my woman weight kicked in, 12 to 14 pounds later.

Boys. I've low-key been a bachelorette recently, swag me out. And I don't engage but the options there. I'm always talking about finding a good guy and how much I want to be in a relationship but then the opportunity presents it's self and I'm hesitant. I hate all the awkward build-up within the first weeks of dating and I guess I'd much rather avoid it.
5) School girl crushes/awkwardly dating guys.
6) Being socially-awkward in general.

I can't get behind in school this semester and though I'm putting out much more effort, teachers don't grade effort, they grade tests/finishing projects. I missed a portfolio deadline last week and it's in the back of my head. Gotta stay on top of things.

Losing my job. That's ass, bro. I already spoke about it but I'm still vert regretful. They haven't told me yet, but it's just a matter of days. Unfortunately, I don't have the option of not working so I need to find another appeasing occupation and I would enjoy, and fast.


I hate that I can't make up my mind with particular people
or make a conscious decision without second guessing it later.

Whatever though, swaggin. If this sounded really depressing, I'm not there yet.
Don't pity me neither.

Alright, swag out.